Browsing All Posts filed under »Controlling spouses«

The Mediations of the Rich and Famous

February 19, 2012 by

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Pretend, for a moment, that you are a celebrity, with name well-recognized across the world. Got that? Ok, now pretend (and  this may be harder for some of us working stiffs) that your net worth is in the high-hundred millions (is anyone still with me?). Finally (and  this is an easy one, sadly, for all too many […]

Under My Thumb (X): Taking Back Control (4)

December 26, 2011 by

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So by now you know to pick small battles and win them, to stay away from heated arguments, to plan for change-back moves, and to share your suffering with somebody close to you. What else can you do to crawl out from under the thumb of control?  Start by being cautious of what you tell your […]

Under My Thumb–Controlling Spouses, Part XIII: Taking Back Control #7: Mop-up

December 25, 2011 by

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So we’ve gone through some crucial control-reassertion moves, talked about how to deal with change-back moves, addressed what your fears might be–and quoted my son not once but twice. Not bad for a day’s work. But there are still a few ideas I’d like to get across before I close the topic of controlling spouses. […]

Under My Thumb–Controlling Spouses, Part XII: Taking Back Control #6: What Am I Afraid Of?

December 25, 2011 by

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Having acknowledged in the past post that simply forgiving your spouse’s controlling behaviors, and sweeping your own anger under the rug, is not a way to either improve your situation or achieve self-respect, let us return to steps you should take in the process of taking back control. This next one is less of a […]

Under My Thumb–Controlling Spouses, Part XI: Taking Back Control #5, What About Forgiveness?

December 25, 2011 by

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I left off with the question that all connected people must ask after anger or betrayal: Isn’t there room for forgiveness, or, more-so, haven’t we always learned that it’s better to forgive than to hang on to a hurt, or, as I’ve been suggesting, respond by asserting ourselves strongly–and letting our partner know that that’s […]

Under My Thumb–Controlling Spouses, Part IX: Taking Back Control #3

December 25, 2011 by

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So we’ve addressed the importance of picking and winning small battles, as well as of not entering into an argument with your spouse on topics on which there’s really no ‘winning.’ What else can you do to get out from under your partner’s thumb? First, I need to emphasize the importance of having a safety […]

Under My Thumb–Controlling Spouses, Part VIII: Taking Back Control #2

December 24, 2011 by

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We left off with the story of Lou, the poorly behaved terrior, who got whipped into shape in the last post with a little bit of tough love. That story has a couple of lessons about control that are crucial when you’re ready to re-assert yourself. Near top on the list of how to regain […]

Under My Thumb–Controlling Spouses, Part VII: Taking Back Control #1

December 23, 2011 by

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At one end of the relationship gradation is patriarchal violence [and, as I've mentioned before, if you are in a physically abusive relationship in which you are beaten to the point of physical harm, this blog is not for you. In that case you need to get out of your house to a safe place, […]

Under My Thumb–Controlling Spouses, Part IV: When is Control Abuse?

December 22, 2011 by

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I’d like to briefly address in this post the fine line I see between the controlling spouse and the abusive one. The controlling partner can, you feel, cause you to behave in ways you don’t want to avoid his/her anger, but I’d suggest that the level of fear you feel in regards to your spouse’s […]

Under My Thumb–Controlling Spouses, Part I

December 21, 2011 by

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Throughout my years in practice, I have been surprised by the number of people I have seen–almost always individuals, the other spouse firmly against therapy–who have been involved with controlling partners. Although, when you read these histories, you may feel that the men and women in these roles may be in hopeless situations, if at least one […]

Under My Thumb–Controlling Spouses, Part VI: The (Self-)Blame Game

December 20, 2011 by

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As people read about couples where one partner is dominated and controlled by the other, most healthy individuals wonder why, in heaven’s name, the controlled partner doesn’t leave–or at least make it clear that the day of a new regime is dawning. One of the major answers to this is a common response on the […]

Under My Thumb–Controlling Spouses, Part II

December 20, 2011 by

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Before you read on I want to make it extremely clear that the control I am discussing in these posts does NOT deal with patriarchal abuse or violence. I use ‘patriarchal violence’ as a term to describe violence in which the man is systemically violent, cruelly beating his partner to the point of harm or […]

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