I grew up on the South Side of Chicago, a city away from all of those dedicated if deluded North Side of Chicago Cubs fans.
As anyone from Chicago knows, these fans are famous their belief in “next year,” “the comeback,” and the eternal second chance.
- (see kslatz.blogspot.com)
As far as I’m concerned, though, that sort of “it ain’t over ’til it’s over” philosophy stays in Wrigley Field, and doesn’t even think of entering a discussion about a paid-for college adventure, where, I firmly believe, a “one-strike-you’re out” attitude should prevail.
So before I finish up the post addressing how to deal with your daughter, the thespian, and your son, who majored in Comp Lit so he could, apparently, read you Shalom Aleichem stories in their original (and all these years you felt contented with just watching “Fiddler on the Roof!”), I have. . .
A final thought for parents who invest in their children’s college time away: If your child, no matter what her major, flunks out of her college, that’s it. Over, done with. Letting her re-group and head back after a semester off doesn’t really get the message across.
She should look to the community college to continue her academic career. I suppose that if she truly excels and distinguishes herself there, you could re-visit the issue of college in another state after several years, but I’m pretty opposed.
You can have a calm, rational conversation about it. “We paid a lot of money for you to have the college experience, and you goofed it up. We won’t stay angry, and of course we still love you, but that’s it. If you want to go away again, you’ll pay for it. In the meantime, you’re welcome to live at home with us while you attend the community college here, and we hope you will continue with your education. Working is always an option, though, if you’re not prepared to study, and that would allow you to get your own space. We will support your emotionally, and hope you make good choices, but our financial contribution outside of room and board is done.”
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And what about our friend in Scenario C, at the special education college with an emphasis on an education in partying? In case you need me to tell you, you are not obligated to fork over multiple thousands of dollars to support your child in drinking and drugging and sex. It’s not part of the Parental Ten Commandments.
Sending your seriously learning-disabled child away to school ill-equipped to handle his needs likely continues the fantasy and lack of authenticity surrounding his possible future path, perhaps a fantasy that started when you dreamed he’d be a doctor just like his father as soon as he exited the womb, but one that should have stopped as his limitations in learning became clear.
We don’t get somewhere in life until we’re clear about who we are and what we’re capable of. So putting four years into partying is taking away from time which your son might have spent doing something helpful for him and his future. Perhaps neither you nor your son knows what that might be right know, but you can’t know what his calling is until you honestly start looking.
And there are options. There are apprenticeships that lead to careers that make fine money–in plumbing, electrical work, air-conditioning repair. This is going to require giving up your prestige fantasies, but it doesn’t mean your child’s giving up a good life. Perhaps he’ll never be a nurse, but he could be a certified nursing assistant. Or, after only 16 weeks of training he could be a phlebotomist, a job with good career opportunities.
And you should never forget the military. The military offers good career training, and, as my husband, who spent time in the army, points out: Everyone learns in the military. Sometimes the ways they get you to learn aren’t on the gentle side, but after your entire squadron has had leave cancelled because you didn’t manage to clean your bolt-action rifle properly–well, you learn.
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No matter what your child’s major, no matter how well she does in college, you can help her utilize her time spent there as a stepping stone on her path to adulthood, by ensuring that your child realizes that the choices she makes during this time have consequences, ones for which she–as a grownup–will be responsible.
nothingprofound
March 22, 2012
My daughter kicked around awhile, popping in and out of various schools and majors, mostly in a community college setting. She’s now settled on something she really enjoys and wants to do, and is showing great enthusiasm for her studies and her future.
Candida Abrahamson PhD
March 22, 2012
I’m glad she’s finally found her calling. Sometimes it does just take a while.
Candida Abrahamson PhD
March 22, 2012
AND (I’m back) I disagree with your blog title: You’ve got a lot profound to dig through on your site.
carlarenee45
March 22, 2012
I’M AFRAID THAT YOU’VE BEEN TAGGED MY DEAR!!!!
http://carlarenee45.wordpress.com/2012/03/22/tag-im-it/
Candida Abrahamson PhD
March 22, 2012
Wow, Carla, I feel like–”I’m it.” Let me take a look and see. I appreciate your joie de vivre.
carlarenee45
March 22, 2012
only if you have time, if you don’t I will understand
Candida Abrahamson PhD
March 22, 2012
I’m afraid between therapizing, blogging, gardening, and gramndmommy-ing, I’ll have to let this one pass. Thanks for thinking of me, though.
carlarenee45
March 22, 2012
oh that is ok. I thought you might be busy.
DeeDee
March 26, 2012
Making the student at least partially responsible for the cost of their education also helps incentivize good decision-making. When there are no personal consequences for screwing up, it’s easy to blow off school. When you’re going to owe thousands of dollars regardless, you’re much more likely to work harder to be able to ensure your ability to repay your debts. Quit mollycoddling the kids and they might actually grow up to be adults!
My folks didn’t make much money and couldn’t afford to pay my way. I refused to settle for a state school, worked hard to get a partial academic scholarship at a good private college, worked my way through school with some support from my folks (less than 1/6 of the annual cost of tuition + room/board and ZERO toward incidentals), and took on my own student loans to pay the rest. My education was not financed by my parents, although they had to co-sign. I took my schoolwork extremely seriously because I was personally invested in it.
Although I was frustrated about having to pay for my own education when so many of my peers were getting handouts from their folks, I got a lot more out of my education as a result. Sure, I graduated with about $19K in debts, and my parents had none. I felt that was just, because I benefit from my education, not my parents. They were absolutely clear from my freshman year in high school about what the college situation would be: I was expected to go to college, I was expected to earn a scholarship, and they could not pay my way. So I took the matter quite seriously before I even started thinking about where to apply.
Maybe I’m an exception, but I do believe that being responsible for a major investment like a university education helps students make better choices. If I were going to screw it up, I’d have cut it short much sooner because I was going to owe the money, not my parents.
DeeDee
March 26, 2012
By the way, my brother got a managerial position (working his way up from hourly) due in large part to his military service. Being a Lance Corporal in the Marines when he was assigned to active duty in Africa was not easy for him (or us), but the leadership role made him obviously qualified for promotion to management. Despite his incredible scores on the ASFAB, the Marines assigned him to be a machine gunner. Being a sharpshooter is not typically a transferable job skill, but there was more to his service experience than that.
Candida Abrahamson PhD
March 26, 2012
Your points (and counterpoints) are very well-taken DeeDee–and there is so very much that a liberal arts education offers, no matter what the major. Your highlighting the helpfulness of paying for your own education is particularly relevant to these posts–when children have more ownership and responsibility, they do, indeed, act more grownup. And the Peace Corps–not to mention the Military–is a wonderful place for emerging adults to learn that the world is a wide and deep place, and they have more to give than they can imagine, which stops the hyper-focus on receiving. Thanks for your “rant.”
S Rosansky
March 16, 2013
I’m not sure she addressed all the issues associated with College. For instance, someone with anxiety faces quite the challenge in College and combined with a sport it magnifies. Someone who is anxiety ridden often shuts down and gives up leading to a depression that can cause a week in bed and playing catch in college is almost impossible. Do you give up on that student? Is it the student’s fault? Should he take a medication?
candidaabrahamson
March 17, 2013
Away-from-home college greatly complicates the difficult challenges of emerging adulthood. If a student is depressed, having her return home for support and treatment is not “giving up on her.” However, she has to care at least as much about her future as her parents do and demonstrate that commitment.